So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
nutella sex= disaster
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
