i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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