if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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