i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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