A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
