the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
