What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
