I wish I could teleport
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
oh god was she eating orange peels again
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
