i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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