He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
