I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
