I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
