Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize