dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
