While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
