watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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