I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
