Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
