After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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