I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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