im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I am available for nakedness
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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