Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
