i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
