Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
