They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
