went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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