i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
