i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
