Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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