"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
