I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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