I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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