I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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