Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
