You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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