She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
