can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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