If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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