When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
