even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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