well I can't set my house on fire every night
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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