I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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