Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
