funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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