We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
