Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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