I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
