do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
