She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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