I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
where does the pee come out of this thing
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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