My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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