NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize