You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize