You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
