Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
