I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
