Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
