Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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