Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
