all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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