Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
