this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize