I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
