So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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