Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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