Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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