I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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