Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
